


you can't become unreal again; it lasts for always

by WilliamsHeresy (MovesLikeBucky)



Category: Slow Show - mia_ugly
Genre: M/M, Warlock (TV), fireside contemplations, gratuitous thoughts about stitching, idk what else to tag this with, introspective, mia_ugly's Slow Show Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:15:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21798208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MovesLikeBucky/pseuds/WilliamsHeresy
Summary: This is silly.  Ridiculous. Absolute nonsense.  He has to be going mad if he’s getting this distracted about the origins of a stuffed rabbit.  His paramount duty is to protect the boy, not get caught up in a bunch of what-if nonsense that doesn’t really matter.  And that’s the crux, isn’t it? Why does this matter? Why can’t he shake it?
Relationships: Erasmus/William (Warlock - Slow Show)
Comments: 38
Kudos: 80
Collections: Ixnael’s Recommendations, Ixnael’s SFW corner, Slow Show Metaverse, Warlock fic





	you can't become unreal again; it lasts for always

**Author's Note:**

> Did anyone else notice that the color and fabric of Harry the Rabbit matches exactly to Erasmus's tunic from S1? 
> 
> I couldn't stop noticing and then I thought oh no what if Erasmus _made_ Harry for Joshua.
> 
> And then my brain went _what if William figured that out._
> 
> So I wrote a fic and made myself sad; enjoy! Title is from The Velveteen Rabbit "Once you become real; you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always." In case you all weren't sad enough already.
> 
> Special thanks to [Zimniy_Soldat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MilesHibernus/pseuds/Zimniy_Soldat) and [lucylupin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucylupin) for betaing on this!

Deep in the woods, under cover of the snowy pines, William and Joshua rest with Arthur near a crackling fire. The cold is seeping into their bones and the lack of food is starting to weigh heavy on William’s mind.

That, and other things.

Splitting up had been the right thing to do, but that hadn’t made it any easier. Not for the first few days where all Joshua could do was cry for Erasmus or Julia, but mainly for Erasmus. It’s hard for a small child to understand; sometimes hard things must be done, sometimes people have to leave for a while.

William has never been good with children, and he’d been against this decision from the get-go. But Erasmus had the experience and Julia’s spells would be needed while they searched for the other half of the prophecy, so it fell to him to look after the child.

William loved Joshua, of course, that went without saying. He just had no experience when it came to entertaining children; even after so long on the run with Joshua he never seemed to connect.

At least the boy had Harry. He loved that silly little rabbit, almost as much as he loved Erasmus.

William feels a shiver run up his spine and pulls his robes tighter around himself. They’ll need to find real shelter soon. It’s still the early days of winter, but the dark depths of it are coming at them faster than can be ignored. He looks over at the boy, curled up and sleeping in the fur of that Godsend of a dog, clutching his little toy rabbit close. 

William doesn’t often get a good look at the little thing. It’s very nice, though, surprisingly so, a soft burgundy twill with linen for the lining in the ears. Joshua rarely lets it out of his sight. The only times he does, he’ll take it to Erasmus and shove little ‘Harry’ towards him. “Watch rabbit,” is all the small boy says. He never gives the toy to anyone else. 

Erasmus had been the one to give it to him, showing up in camp one day with the stuffed toy. Tossing it to the boy like it was nothing. 

When William had asked, Erasmus had said he’d stolen it from a shop in town. The priest had wanted to berate him for it but couldn’t bring himself to when he saw how quickly Joshua was taken with it.

He is staring at Joshua and the dog now, musing his thoughts, when the boy shifts in his sleep. The boy’s grip loosens and little Harry falls into the dirt.

William shakes his head and stoops to pick up the toy. He pauses, turning the bunny over in his hands. It’s hard to tell in the firelight, but he could swear the deep burgundy material is diamond twill…

…

_ “Keep up, priest, come on then!” Erasmus yelled over his shoulder, “Haven’t you ever climbed a hill before?” _

_ William didn’t know how they moved so fast. Julia was far ahead at this point and the priest was sure carrying Joshua was the only thing slowing Erasmus down at all. Sometimes he still had a twinge of doubt about this whole thing. _

_ When Julia had arrived at his parish begging sanctuary, he hadn’t hesitated. When Erasmus had, reluctantly, joined up with them, he had been apprehensive. Erasmus never truly seemed to care; more of a mercenary type. If the conman didn’t owe them a debt of gratitude for saving him, William didn’t think he’d stick around at all. When they had come to the conclusion that the village was no longer safe for them, he’d begun to doubt. He’d grown quite attached to the small boy, and knew this prophecy was bigger than any one of them could tackle on their own. But leaving his village, leaving home. That was difficult. _

_ His faith was in flux. Not his faith in the Lord, of course, that he was steadfast in. But the Church there was the rub of it. _

_ And he doubted himself. Would he really be of any use? What if it came to blows? What could a soft old priest hope to accomplish against armored inquisitorial guards? Erasmus’ teasing only served to remind him if they were to be captured, it would ultimately be his fault. _

_ He opened his mouth to tell Erasmus such but was stopped by a loud yelp. _

_ Joshua had gotten fussy and decided he’d rather be with Julia, and in his attempt to clamber off Erasmus’ shoulders he’d knocked them both tumbling down the hill. Julia saw to Joshua as William helped Erasmus to his feet. _

_ “Are you alright, dear boy?” William asked as Erasmus grumbled. _

_ “Damn urchin knocked me over,” Erasmus shouted, picking twigs and leaves out of his long red hair, “no bloody respect around here!” _

_ “He’s two, what’s he supposed to know about respect?” Julia asked while seeing to Joshua’s very minor wounds. _

_ “Well still, ought not to climb around so much.” The mercenary stalked off, shouting behind him, “Gonna get someone hurt one of these days!” _

_ Julia shot William an exasperated look. The priest just shrugged and made to follow Erasmus. He caught up quickly, finding him pacing in a circle and cursing. _

_ “You know,” William said softly, not wanting to spook the man, “Joshua could’ve been hurt a lot worse. If I didn’t know better, I’d say someone did their best to make sure  _ they _ took the brunt of the fall instead of the wee fellow.” _

_ Erasmus shot him a glare, which was met with a knowing smile. _

_ “Don’t get any ideas, priest,” Erasmus said, pointing an accusatory finger at him, “I’m out for one person and one person alone. Me. Myself. Just the one, end of discussion. I’ll not have a bloody man of the goddamned cloth tarnishing my hard-won reputation.”  _

_ William raised his hands in a gesture of deference, willing to let the man believe whatever he felt like. However, William prided himself as a judge of character, not one to be put off by brazen displays of aloofness. No, Erasmus most definitely was a soft touch at heart. William was sure he deeply cared for the boy. Nothing Erasmus could say would convince him otherwise. _

_ “Ah  _ SHIT _ , stupid little gremlin!” Erasmus shouted, breaking William from his thoughts. _

_ “You hear me back there!” Erasmus shouted towards the witch and the boy, “You’re done for! Do you even know how expensive diamond twill is? How hard I had to work for something as nice as this!” _

_ His deep burgundy tunic had been ripped almost completely, ruined as it were. William rewrote his inner thoughts a bit; maybe he was off. Maybe Erasmus was just what he said he was. _

_ Erasmus went to stalk off again but stopped noticing the look on William’s face. _

_ “What are you looking at, priest?” he hissed in William’s face, “I’ll be back, I just need to go be pissed off for a minute.” _

_ “Understandable, it was a very nice tunic.” William said dryly, not bothering to hide the edge in his voice. He watched Erasmus stalk off further into the woods. _

_ … _

William had been wrong to jump to that snap judgement, of course, as he knows now. But that can’t  _ possibly  _ be the same burgundy diamond twill of Erasmus’ old tunic, he must be mistaken.

But there it is, this pattern and this fabric. From the tunic that had been ruined two years ago. 

This is silly. Ridiculous. Absolute nonsense. He has to be going mad if he’s getting this distracted about the origins of a stuffed rabbit. His paramount duty is to protect the boy, not get caught up in a bunch of what-if nonsense that doesn’t really matter. And that’s the crux, isn’t it? Why does this matter? Why can’t he shake it?

He doesn’t put the rabbit down, just keeps turning it over in his hands. It’s soft and worn from being well loved.

The stitching on the ears makes him stop; an odd looping thing. As he runs a finger over it William is sure he’s seen that before as well…

…

_ They had made camp near a river, about four months after leaving the village. They wouldn’t stay long; they never did. Just enough to sleep, maybe to eat a bit. William had proven to himself that he could be useful and managed to catch a couple of trout (don’t say he never learned anything from his father, not that he ever tried to teach him much). _

_ The smell of the fish roasting over the campfire was drifting through the air and everyone was in good spirits. Julia was playing with Joshua, keeping him distracted and away from the fire. The two-year-old had developed a habit of grabbing anything within arm’s reach, and it wouldn’t do for him to go grabbing hot fish and burning himself. Erasmus had wandered off some time ago. _

_ “Julia, my dear, will you keep an eye on the fish for me?” William said, standing and wiping his hands off on his knees, “It’s almost ready, I’m just going to pop off for a bit and find where Erasmus ran off to.” _

_ He followed the river, retracing the steps he saw Erasmus take earlier. It didn’t take long to find him. He was sitting on a log on the riverside, tunic (a new one, in a deep forest green) draped over a branch1. He was fiddling with the hem of a spare linen undershirt. _

_ “Are you sewing?” William said, slightly surprised. _

_ “Yea, gotta keep things in order somehow,” Erasmus said as he laid stitches along the hem. “These things wear out, can’t really go around getting new ones.” _

_ “No, I suppose not,” William said as he watched Erasmus’ hands, deftly moving the needle to and fro, in and out.  _

_ It was obviously a well-practiced skill. William remembered the nuns, when he was still learning the priesthood, taking the time to darn socks that were wearing out rather than replacing them. Vows of poverty and all that. They would work so quickly you almost couldn’t keep up if you watched. It was soothing. Sister Loquacious tried to teach him once. It hadn’t gone well. _

_ Erasmus’ needle moved with precision, even if the stitch looked rather odd. There was the usual straight stitch he was used to seeing, but then he would pass the needle through loops he made at the edge. Very odd, compared to anything in William’s small knowledge of sewing. _

_ “Where did you learn to do that?” William asked, voice soft and almost a whisper. One might mistake it for reverent if one were listening. _

_ “Don’t really wanna talk about it, if it’s all the same,” Erasmus said as he finished his stitch. _

_ “Right, of course,” William watched as Erasmus took his tunic down from the branch. “Dinner is almost ready, thought I’d come find you. You know how Julia is, we’ll be lucky to have any left when we get back.” _

_ “Ha,” Erasmus scoffed, “Right, because she’s the one who goes through our stores. Don’t think I haven’t seen you sneaking around at night through the rucksacks, priest.” _

_ They both caught the scent of fire-cooked fish wafting towards them. Erasmus sauntered in the direction of camp with William following close behind. _

_ A few weeks later, Erasmus had shown up in their camp and tossed a burgundy rabbit at Joshua, who immediately named it Harry. _

_ … _

That loop stitching is familiar. It adorns so many things of his and Julia’s now, where Erasmus has volunteered to fix them. And here it is, unmistakable, along the ears of this rabbit.

William feels something warm bloom in his heart. His feelings, this infatuation for Erasmus has been bubbling for a while, no matter how hard he tries to stomp them back down. His justification has always been that Erasmus is not in this for them, in the long run. The man had told him straight out. Erasmus does things for himself and no one else, no matter how false the priest knew that to be in his heart.

But this was unmistakable. Sewing a toy rabbit for a scared child. Sewing it out of his own ruined clothes. How long had Erasmus held onto that ruined tunic? How long did it take him to make it?

William feels tears start to prickle at the corners of his eyes and holds back a sob. It feels like something is cracking open inside of him, and when whatever it is spills out, he’ll never be able to put it back.

He misses Erasmus.

He’s alone in the woods with only a small boy and a dog, doing his best to keep them all safe, and he misses Erasmus so much that it physically hurts him. This is a new feeling to William; attachments like this weren’t allowed in the priesthood.

He remembers the dream he had, almost a year ago now (though not a day goes by that it doesn’t haunt him). The soft brush of lips on his, that euphoric feeling of being  _ home _ ripped away so suddenly by the coming of daybreak.

William sits by a campfire, holding a small burgundy rabbit in his hands.

William sits by a campfire and heaves a sigh, hugging said rabbit the same way a small child would. The same way a small child does almost every day.

William is in love.

He’s in love with Erasmus, and he’s finally admitting this to himself.

And there’s no going back now.

\---

1 \- He stole it, of course. Can't expect a conman to go around paying for nice tunics.

  
  


**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [you can't become unreal again; it lasts for always [podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23504791) by [ahundredindecisions](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahundredindecisions/pseuds/ahundredindecisions), [ChubbyHornedEquine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChubbyHornedEquine/pseuds/ChubbyHornedEquine)




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